While you were sleeping

 "what the fuck was that" I was awoken from a deep sleep to these whispered words.

It was at this exact moment I knew Joe had either stepped in Cat vomit or Puppy poo.

We have a new puppy, who really is quite good in the toilet training department, and by saying that I mean if we are outside she will go on the grass.  If she is inside she will go in the house or at the very least on the verandah.  Reminded me a little of my eldest son when he was toilet training.  I threw out so many pairs of jocks straight into the closest bin when he was too busy to poo in the toilet (he would die if he knew I was blogging this). 

So as all good wives do, I pretended to be asleep and let him deal with it.

He hopped back out of the bedroom, yes the poo was right next to his side of the bed, and into the shower, only to realize there was too much poo squished between his toes to just hose it off.  Off he hopped into the toilet to get toilet paper. 

It was at the first wipe that Joe then smelt the poo between his toes.  This is a man who vomits over cotton balls, you can imagine the reaction.  

Wipe poo. Wretch.  "fuck this"

Smell poo.  Wretch.  "fuck this"

Shower poo. Wretch.  "fuck this"

All this time I am pretending to be asleep.

Finally I  feel sorry for him   burst into hysterical laughter and get up to clean the remaining poo off the floor.  Mainly because I can now smell it.  And I am a good wife.

Survivor Tamborine

First up i need to say that i am thinking of all those people who have lost their homes and even loved ones in the most recent floods. This blog is by no means an attempt to make a joke out of what has happened in the last week.

Saturday 25th Jan 2013
Joe is at the pub, comes home blind drunk, announces that he has won a fantastic prize in a raffle during his 'meeting' with a client:  a Jelly wrestle with three girls on Friday 8th of Feb.  Yes you heard correct.  Be at the Boathouse hotel at Coomera, you will witness something amazing.  Really, it may be something you will not be able to unsee, but i will be funny. Today is our anniversary.

Saturday 26th Jan 2013
Joe has planned a suprise weekend for our anniversary, which was yesterday, but neither of us actually know what date we were married, only that it was Australia Day weekend.  I had to do a survey on FB and then look for my marriage certificate.

Suprise mainly because we never celebrate it. A whole Weekend in an apartment at Broadbeach, dress bought from Kitten D Amore (my new favourite shop), i even had my eyebrows waxed where the beautician told me that her mum also suffers from excessive hair growth with age.

Dinner was also a suprise, with all of my besties there to greet us.  A few drinks, great company and off to the Casino.  You can tell we are getting old when the party of 10 quickly diminished to the regular threesome of Mr J, Ms N and myself.  Ms N gave us a cut off at 12am, which quickly went to 1am after she bought us a bottle of Moet.  Ms N went home on time, we went after we had donated some money to the casino and drank out of jam jars.

Sunday 27th Jan 2013
Holy shitcakes, storm fever.  Oswald/Osborne/Ossy i cant remember the name, had hit the coast with a vengeance.  I am storm phobic (i think i made my dog storm phobic) so we left early.  Thank goodness we did, Tamborine was quickly underwater and out of power.  Gold coast nearly got blown away.  Actually my mums roof did, she found it in a tree.

For townies, you need to know that if we have no power, we also have no water and no toilet flush.  I had 6 teenagers stranded here at the time, two are mine, two others are tempory guests and the other two are like foster children.  This bought the total to 2 girls, 5 boys in the house.  We played monopoly by candle light and had chips, cheese sandwich and biscuits for dinner.

They all eat alot and in turn, poo alot. 

Monday to Wednesday
Cabin fever had already started to set in, and when Mr J was comparing a real mortgage to those of Pall Mall, i knew we were in trouble.  I recorded the conversation because it was so ridiculous, i threw my money and never played with them again.  The only other girl in the house agreed that Mr J and his son are shit to play with, game wreckers.

Each day after is a blur so i cant put them in any order, i will however mention some important points:

• You should not plant a Hicci on someones forehead, it is only funny for everyone else.
• Dont share a room with snorers, you will not sleep.
• Just because there is no power, it does not mean we are camping ie. leaving wet towels everywhere and waiting for someone to feed you.
• Spiders are big after storms and if one blacks out the sunlight while crawling over your face, it is probably a really big one and should not be flicked onto someone else.
• Horse poo will not stick to your white top, even if you are surrounded and have it thrown at you by 5 different people.
• Umbrellas break in tornedos.
• It does not matter how much toilet paper you put into the toilet, it will not make the poo go away, you need a bucket of water, or a plunger, or both.
• Mr J will help you unblock said toilet, but he will need a face mask and a team mate to take over when he needs to run outside to vomit, thanks Mr C, you are a good sport, and i know you were not the only one who poo'd. Tag team poo plunging.
• The plunger fits well onto ones head, just remember it was pushing poo the day before.
• Communal bathing in the swimming pool with the toads is not fun.
• Going over to the neighbours clean pool is, and they dont have teens bombing in it either.
• You can make you own flow rider with a bit of planning and a surf beach in your back paddock.
• Trees fall, but never if you park you car under them.
• COD will be there when the power comes back, the war wont be over, it is not real, you can still kill your mates, dont stress.
• Facebook will also be there.
• Even in a black out, you can have incredible pea and ham soup, cook all the food from the freezer in one day and get drunk with your neighbours.
• Unless you are the neighbours who moved up to the top of the mountain and a tree has fallen on the car you just sold. Deserters.
• Laying in front of the fan which has been turned on while the power is out, just so you are the first to know it is back on, will not make it come back faster, having a vodka will.
• Energex employees are not personally responsible for a 4 day power outage, even if you do chase them down the street to let them know that they are.
• Energex employees will not give you their home address so you can poo in their toilet.

I knew we had reached breaking point when Mr J chased that truck, after announcing that he may have to poo in the kitty litter if he cant flush a toilet soon.  This was also after i made him clean some slime off the bottom of our defrosted fridge, which by the way, also made him vomit.

so far so good

Not leave was interupted by a work meeting this week which i forgot i had on.  It was at this meeting that i began to get concerned about the amount of work awaiting my return from not leave, that i will head into the office tomorrow to get a start on it.  Note to self, do some work on not leave.  Oh wait, Can do Campbell is taking our not leave away, so no need to worry, except that i am losing 20 days leave each year.  Arse.

Now that i have had my white whine, i can move on with the news.

Coconut calamari was on the menu tonight, only the coconut coating fell off in the oil, so it just tasted like oil dipped calamari.  Mr J took the boys to touch, so i take back my comment 'your dinner will taste crap when you get home', it tasted crap just after i cooked it.

I am thinking that i do not have too much to blog about, then i remember i went on a cruise just last weekish.  I will need to update you on this in another blog.  Remember the whole ice skating, bet you cant wait to see video cruise? The suspension is killing you isnt it?

Is that how you spell suspension, or is that even the word i am looking for.  I think i just had a stroke.

Master J's girlfriend is staying with us.  Odd having a girl in the house.  She is very sweet and Master J also has shingles.  Doctor was shocked that i had diagnosed it myself, yes on my own and with the help of Google (but i didnt tell him that).  Schoolies week, then a week at home without his mummy and he gets sick.

Mr J has organised a suprise weekend for me for our anniversary. I think this is the first time we have actually celebrated our anniversary.  Seeing as i had decided to start our marriage again last year, then this is a fitting celebration.  Problem is, i am the office girl for Mr J business, and i saw the hotel we are going to.  I wont tell him this though.  I did spin into a bit of a panic when he announced the suprise, but now i am good and looking forward to it. Plus i have decided to shout my self another Kitten D Amore dress.  Excited. Plus nothing fits me (refer to cruise blog: it may or may not be written tonight).

In a nutshell, not leave was good.  I needed it. 

9 weeks until easter, thats 36 days of work, unless of course i drop a day due to my new role as office manager or lose my job due to Can Do's plan to sell our campus.

Missing in Action

It seems I have not blogged since my concern over the photo a day post.  I should let you know there have been at least 4 since then and one month i managed to knock out only one day.  Shame.  I have mentioned before my photo mojo has gone, well it is not back, in fact i am going away tomorrow and i cant be bothered packing  my camera.  Yes my uber expensive canon, that i had to have.  Lucky i made Mr J buy me an uber expensive bag to hold it in so it doesnt get dusty. 

So it seems alot may have gone on since our last conversation, i dont really remember too much, or have anything to share, but for some i  I will try to put the highlights into point form, my apologies if i cover a topic i have already covered.  No really i dont care.

• James 0, Cars 3. Yes we have another in the panel beaters.  Mr J is not impressed, i cannot comment yet as insurance has not gone through, keep you posted. What i can say is no stupid teenagers have been hurt.
• I am good.
• Christmas good.
• Jamie Oliver has a lot to answer for.  30 minute meals, then onto half the time with 15 minute meals, i would have not thought it possible.  It is. Cooking time 15 minutes, clean up time 2 hours, add 5 kilos bodyweight.
• First New years in at least 25 years that i have not had a hangover.  Finally i have found my cut of switch.  Or i am actually getting old.
• Still not smoking.  Yay me.
• Stu is pleased to announce the impending 2014 calendar, please place your orders for christmas.

So i really dont have much for you today. I am leaving on a cruise tomorrow.  I have packed too much and dont know that they will let me on the flight to Sydney.  You cant be expected to pack light when there are formal dinners involved and three birthdays to be had on board.  Mr J (aka three hanky bandit) will be turning the big 50, Mr J will be forty something (after we get back, but good excuse to celebrate) and my sister will be fifty something and we will celebrate every night from the 10th to the 13th simply because she is convinced that she is born on a different day to her birth certificate and no one can agree (it is the 11th).

I should give you the heads up, there is an ice skating rink on board.  We are going to corry our very own icecapade, Mr J will be doing the lifts, he may or may not be in tights and it will be posted right here on this blog when it has been completed.  You cant wait, can you ?

Photo a day

So today i decided i would get some photos edited.  I need to find one for a friend who ordered it like over a year ago.  James school formal, one of the mums had some pics done with her kids, in May and some horsey ones, just because i will be on a roll.  Heres a tip; dont hire me as your photographer.  I know thats bad for business but i really need to find my mojo, i have told you this before, my photo mojo has gone awol.  I have in fact knocked back jobs.

For a while there has been monthly photos a day (does that make sense?) you know it gives you a list of words and you take a pic to represent that word.  Was great to start with, but took up way too much of my head space, especially when i would miss a couple of days and also when people were using old photos.  Not fair, its about having to think of that work all day long and look at every single thing that is in front of you and then finding something that suits.  Cheats.

Now i am involved in Yellow September on Facebook.  The task is to take a pic of something yellow everyday.  Fun idea i hear you say.  No.  It is causing me so much grief, likened to that of the alphabet assignment at college when we had to take a picture of things that looked like letters of the alphabet.  It consumes your brain, i am looking at everything yellow, all day long.  Yet i still dont have a pic for today.  And the same cheats exist. I say that lightly because i am not the "photo a day police", you can do what you like, but surely you should all have the same distractions throughout the day looking for yellow and being in a position to take a pic, most of mine are done while i am driving.

My advice: Give it a go yourself, just for laughs and giggles, especially the alphabet one, it will make your head explode.

To be or not to be

I had a bit of a panic attack this week. 

On Tuesday (i think) i woke up and suddenly thought that the grey tracky jumper i wear to bed every night (sexy i know) did not feel the same.When i took it off, it looked different, i dont remember a tag being where it is and it felt different to touch, i am sure it came from a different store and should have been a different size. I texted every mum who has had a kid sleep here in the last 2 weeks and asked them to check if was accidently taken home, i asked James to text every person he knows to see if they had borrowed it.  I looked at the jumper over and over, smelt it, rubbed it on my face, checked the tags, folded it up.  Then did that all over again about 100 times.  I have slept in that jumper all week and keep checking to see that it hasnt changed again, that the cooking oil stains are still on the front from a Jamie Oliver special (yes i get in my pjs early sometimes).  All of it looks different.  I am scared i have forgotten what it was meant to look like, and i dont know why i dont have a clear visual of how it should be.  I still dont know if it is the right tracky jumper.

This grey tracky jumper is my dads.

Chicken tonight

For those of you who dont know, my dogs eat chickens.  If your chicken is in our yard, it is theirs, if your chicken is in your yard, it is theirs, if your chicken is locked up tight in the chook house in your yard, it is theirs.  I apologise.  Mr J has been putting up dog wire for almost 3 years.  That is after i spent $800 on electric boundary fencing which did keep one dog in and kept one dog out after he ran through it and took the shock to get out.  So when we finally put up some dog wire, after one dog had been attacked for the third time by some other neighbourhood dogs, we put it on upside down, so they can both fit through it.  Not funny. 

When a man turned up at the front door (of the boys part of the house) and told Mstr J he was going to kill his dog, Mstr J said in return he would kill him if he killed his dog and he will now get his dad as he might want a piece of him also.  Which he did.  Apparently Mr J has freedom because this man is a Vietnam Vet.  No disrespect, it was a terrible war which affected alot of people, but a bit extreme as a result of a chicken death.

The last time the dogs emptied an entire chook pen of 5 chickens and only got caught because they left a trail of feathers that lead to my front step, the owner said we were doing them a favour, and that dogs eat chickens, someone should have locked them up.  Didnt have the guts to say they would have eaten them anyway.  Needless to say Stringybark Rd has very few chickens residing here and my dogs have beautiful teeth.

Back to the mad man from a couple of houses away who wants to kill my dog.  So we declare that our dogs do not eat chickens and could he know it was them and in fact prove it.  He said it was a Jack Russell, Flick is a Fox Terrier but who is splitting hairs? AFter Mr J told him if he was 20 years younger he would be bleeding on the driveway (working on positivity), he left. 

The dogs have been in lock down since then.  Locked in the house, the pool yard, my car or at work with me.  At work we have chickens and one of them attacks Flick through the fence, she is scared of the chicken, but would probably eat it if i let her in the pen with them. On Wednesday they had a bath at work, came out smelling great, once at home i let them out to go to the toilet, they were out of my sight for 2 minutes and they both went missing.  Fuck.

Piper is older and going deaf/ignorant and he pisses off all the time.  He was arrested once and while they enjoyed having him at the pound, he cost a motza to bail out, he didnt get a discount for being friendly.  He came back when he felt like it, Flick came back and stunk, really stunk.  Her feet were filthy, she had been up to something chicken related i bet.  I gave her another bath in the tub so she could venture to house lock down for the night. 

Next morning i let them out for breaky and toilet stop.  Flick disappeared.  I spotted her in the back paddock with something hanging from her mouth.  Chicken?  I got in my cammo gear (dressing gown and gumboots) armed with a plastic bag aka body bag.  Lucky for me i am a pro at bagging up dead bodies, not human of course, but kind of handy should i ever need to.  I crept into the paddock, and in one movement grabbed the chicken in the bag, shoved it in my pocket (which by the way had eaten a recent meal of corn) and ran back to the house to get rid of the evidence. 

Nothing to see here, you just prove my dogs are chicken killers (i'm stuffed if he reads my blog).

Washing and other stuff

I have been thinking about a blog all week, in fact i have been thinking i would like to commit to submitting something each week which is not so long to read (assuming there are so many of you out there who read this).  Ms I has a very cool blog http://iramcguire.blogspot.com.au/ and every Friday is 'Friday Style'.  My whole day has been a bit muddled so i thought i could settle down to read the Friday edition.  It wasnt there.  Thats ok too because she is also about to start becoming a Doctor, so she must be busy. Or she is more likely at some trendy cafe drinking coffee that does not come from a jar like i am. 

Now my muddled day may have been because i could not get out of bed (thats everyday), Ethan stayed at home (to prepare for Grand Final tomorrow), i visited Jim and he looked happy with his new friends and looked at me like i had dumped him, i am changing my medication on my own because i am so tired and my blood test gave no reason for it.  So i am still tired, and my head is messed up, probably not a smart decision.

The blood test mainly came about (and skip this paragraph if i already told you this) because i had a work 'institute' bonding/useless information day and i had declared i was not going.  My boss who will no longer be my boss after next week said i better have a medical certificate for the doctors appointment i had said was booked for months and i could not possibly change to attend the work thing.  I lied.  I had to make an appointment, then make an excuse to the doctor as to why i was there, which resulted in sending me to have a blood test.  Nothing wrong, except my cholesterol might be a little high, although he thought that might be an error because the numbers did not add up. I admitted to recently eating Jamie Oliver 30 minute meals at least three times a week.  If you have his cookbook and i know for a fact that i should get a spotters fee as 2 of my friends just bought it this week, he uses stacks of oil and butter and custard and cream.  Oh and i should mention that i eat one croissant every day, with an iced coffee.  Is that bad?

My muddle started this morning when i did not have a croissant, then at 11 am i had to race to the bakery to get my fix.  Seriously it was just like when i quit smoking the first or second time. Not the third, i was hypnotised and i dont care about smokes anymore. 

So i have mentioned washing.  I dont want to be negative about it or the process as i am trying to create a new positive me.  I fucking hate washing (did i say that out loud).  I keep all the clothes separated in their own little piles according to colour and dirtiness (is that a word), i almost cant wait for Friday to get it going in an attempt to have nothing there for the weekend.  Today i did that, then Mr J and Mstr J emptied their cars and bedrooms and every other hidy hole and created a new pile. That gets me down.  I just would like that it either starts to do it itself or someone invents a washing machine that washes, dries and folds, i would ask for ability to put away but thats a bit unreasonable.



On a more positive note, i asked Mr J if he had noticed how positive i had been lately.  He said yes he had noticed and thats what he hated most is when i am so negative (which i havent been for some time).  He says this as he is yelling abuse at the news when they talk about most things, so i am trying to turn Mr J into Mr Positive.  I will keep you posted.

I made it through my 41st birthday, yes i can say it out loud and my beautiful neighbours put on a fancy dinner (on a school night) and a most fabulous cake with 41 written on it (not so fabulous).  My neice asked me if i got spoilt by the boys.  I said "no but we are happy".  That has bothered me since i said it.  Yes we are happy BUT i explained to them all that i felt unappreciated and when Mr J complained about me using too many utensils when he had to wash up the after night after a Jamie O special, i could have stabbed him.  I dont know what i am expecting.  Gifts, praise, a parade?  I think that i need to maybe get over it and expect no miracles, i know that they all love me, but they are boys.

Mosaic Madness

I came up with this fab idea to create a mosaic tile splash back for my kitchen.  Actually better homes and gardens did and now i am going to do, even Mr J said that was ok, although i have a feeling he is just agreeing with everything at the moment after the Baden Clay threat, or he thinks i have forgotten about the wedding.  So i came up with and even better idea, actually it is based on one of my besties christmas tree, which has a name and i cant remember it, but friends take christmas decorations and put it onto the tree which is stuck to the wall.  Friendship tree? Dont remember. I am thinking that i could ask if anyone is interested to send me a tile, i am looking for something different, antique, vintage, colourful, patterned, whatever.  I am going to create a new splashback and if i get enough cover a table as well.  It could be a long project but i am excited about putting some colour and if i get tiles from others, some love into my kitchen. 

I need to refer back to the not rembering.  Not only can i not remember what the tree is called, i have forgotten large chunks of my life.  I have forgotten stages of when my kids were little, i have forgotten what is was like to have little, this is sad.  Fortunately i have a lot of photos to remind me, but i wonder does this happen to everyone or have i had a stroke and just dont know it?  I guess what is good is that i cant wait to have grand kids, a few years ago i would have stuck a fork in my eye just thinking about it, now i just cant wait, after Mr J asked if we could have more kids so he could fill the house with them, i even thought about it....for a second and then remembered that Mr J has had the snip and i might have to find a suitable doner like Channing Tatum to father a child.  Its ok, i am over it now, i have a kitchen to tile.

So i drove out to Oakey this week to visit a student.  I wrote a list in my iphone, mainly because i was going to write a blog when i got home, i had the popping candy thing going on and i didnt want to forget stuff to blog about.  I forgot to blog, i looked at the list and have forgotten what half of them are. I cant put the list here because it is in a different format and i cant figure out how to put it here so you will have to trust that this is the list:

renovate kitchen - based on the purchase of magazine and coffee in Oakey

road trip - i told Mr J we are just going to get in the car Friday afternoon and then drive
He:  without a plan, you just want to drive, how far and what will we do?
Me:  i can get a map, we can calculate how long it will take us to do an interesting round trip, we can sleep over in dodgy motels and look at stuff we normally wouldnt look at
He: like what?
Me: like the Emu farm at Murgon
He: ok
Me:  you know we could visit all these odd places we drive past and take photos out the front and have a laugh (thinking Baden Clay moment, he is agreeing to everything)

Re invent - i dont know what this was

Painting - now i would love to be able to paint, in my head i can see great stuff, i cant put any ideas on paper but i am sure i could do it

Petas exhibit - my cousin has an opening of her first solo show on Saturday, i am so excited for her and i love her work, i may or may not have bought something already, i hope she takes mates rates

Moving house - dont know what this is, i am not moving, oh wait, i was thinking we could move to Oakey, buy 300 acres for less than what i can sell my house for, i can retire and farm emus to make money, only i am not sure what part of the emus you use

Emu farm - as above

New ring - highlighted in previous blog and now by the time i get it, unless he thinks to pick it up tomorrow before football and suprise me, i might change my mind and get something different

Thats a big list, you can imagine how my head was popping on this day especially with all those hours in the car and a few solo coffee stops.  Then i also think about how i complain about the hours spent in the car for work, yet i want to do road trips.  Odd

In case you want to be part of my mosaic madness send to:
Mosaic Queen
2 Stringybark Rd
Tamborine Q 4270

40 plus and Affogatos

In keeping with the theme of last blog i have given you a couple of random words as a title.  I might add that the last blog had the wrong date on it, i know you all noticed, so if this date comes up wrong also, it is actually Friday the 20 something.  Its closer to August i know this much and i will be soon rolling into my 41st year, my conversation with Mr J today went like this:

He: hey we should do something for your birthday
Me: no i am one year older than 40 and i dont need a reminder, plus all the other beautiful people born in August have hogged the weekends for parties
He:  i dont know what you are worried about, its just a number and you could have something the day after Miss N
Me:  i know but i still dont want to do anything, i cant be bothered, and thats optimistic of you to think i might have my head out of the toilet bowel long enough to celebrate my birthday after Miss N party, no wait, i am not getting drunk again
He: i am going to record you saying all of this so that on the day of your birthday or the weekend near it you are not arriving at your own suprise party i have organised, you cant blow up and say no one does anything for me, plus if i had a dollar for everytime you said you werent getting drunk........
Me:  i am so not going to say that and you would probably only have ten dollars, i hardly ever say that
He:  still recording
Me:  i would be happy to have a nice dinner with my family and have you all at home and dont forget the card, if you dont get me a card, i will blow up
He: ok then
Me:  And while you are at the card shop, go and pick up my ring that we ordered, that has been ready for 2 weeks and i thought you might get it for me as a suprise, well now the wedding ring can also become my birthday present
He:  i was hoping you had forgotten about the wedding thing (looks at me like i am crazy)
Me:  (look at him: yes i am crazy and i will have another wedding unless i find something else to do and then it is all off, sorry girls, i know you had your hearts set on being in the bridal party)

The Affogato is about my dessert i made tonight from the Jamie Oliver cookbook.  It was awesome and so easy and i didnt take a photo of it, so you will have to trust that i actually made it.  Friday i have decided is not only change the bath towels day, it is cook something fancy for dinner.  I like this because for the first four days i am at work and while we still eat nice food, it is all quick stuff and no fancy desserts.  Saturdays are usually take away because we are at footy and Sundays can be a good dinner night also, unless i have ridden the horse all day and i dont give a shit if you eat coco pops for dinner. So think shortbread, chocolate chunks, cherries, ice cream, cream and coffee covered with grated chocolate in a cup.  Yum. Before the dessert we had mustard chicken, dauphonoise and greens.  I had to google Dauphonoise.